Monday, March 8, 2010

Bad night

I will preface this post by saying that in no way would anyone mentioned in this dream act the way I've described. In fact, they would react completely opposite to the way they did in the dream. (I love you Mom, Papa and Mims!) But that is why this is a bad dream, and not reality.

Last night was one of those weird dream nights that I think all parents have on a regular basis. I went to bed at a reasonable hour (10pm) and was punished for it by parental karma.

1am Ian woke me up by climbing into bed with me and I cuddled him for a little while before making him go pee and tucking him back into his bed.

I went back to sleep and dreamt that I was chasing a two year old Ian around a pool. I couldn’t catch up to him, and a part of my mind said “well if he falls in he will learn a valuable lesson and not go near the pool again” ...upon which he immediately fell in.

I KNEW I could jump in and pull him out before he got more than a mouthful of water but for some reason the water was too buoyant – I couldn’t get down far enough (of course he sank like a stone). I finally grabbed onto his hair and pulled him up. If you remember two year old Ian, his hair was very wispy and fine and it was very hard to keep a hold of him.

He wasn’t breathing so I started to do CPR. My mom and my sister were sitting on lounge chairs by the pool and frowning disapprovingly at me as they continued their conversation. I suppose they thought I was learning a valuable lesson.

Despite doing CPR for several breaths the water wasn’t coming out. My Papa, who was an EMT, was floating in the pool, talking on a cell phone. I asked him for help. He frowned at me and said “I have a line on some work” and I immediately felt a wave of guilt and started to cry. Seeing me crying he came over and started CPR.

At this point of the dream I heard a noise in real life and immediately woke up. My mind said it was a thump and I tried to remember if I had strapped Evie into her swing or not. I went out in the living room to make sure she wasn’t slumped on the floor unconscious and realized the sound had been the whisper of her blanket falling to the floor. Apparently it was enough to bring me to hyper awareness.

She was awake and looking around – she hadn’t even started to make noises yet. I nursed her and put her to sleep in her crib in our room. (And I had strapped her in thank goodness!) Then I went and used the pump a little so she would have enough milk for another bottle the next day at daycare. After that I tucked Ian back in. He had done one of his total reversals and was on top of the covers with his head at the foot of the bed. Then I went back to bed. It was 4:30am.

I stayed awake listening to Evie and JD breathe until 5:30am when the alarm went off. I turned off the alarm and lay there for a little while until it went off again.

I hate that thing.

This time I switched all the switches and I think it actually turned off. I got up and took a shower and comforted myself with a kindle book while I ate breakfast.

As dreams go it was a doozy. It managed to combine several of my childhood hangups with my worst fears as a parent. Plus the guilt of secretly wanting the child to get hurt in order to learn a lesson... and having it actually happen.

Since I tend to pick up on dreams right where I left off there was no way I was going back to sleep after that one. I remember one night I got eaten by a werewolf three times because I kept falling back to sleep after waking up in terror. Not happening this time. No. Way.

However, the weirdest part was when we were driving to work. Ian told me he dreamed about me and that we were in the water. I asked what we were doing in the water and he said he fell in. I asked what I did when he fell in and he said I didn't do anything because he went way down and it was dark. And that I was way up and he was way down.


And yes, I always remember my dreams in detail. Apparently so does Ian, poor kid.

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